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This story documents my experience with:

Maya Vance

Marketing Director

Mortgage Lenders of America

2013-2018

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I have heard that once you find the love of your life, you will realize why it was worth the wait. I totally understand that after meeting her. When you get hit with that lightning bolt, your life is never the same. I found the love of my life finally after twenty years of looking and then I lost her. I have never experienced emotional pain like that before. True love is what I have always wanted and I have never settled for anything less. I have tried for years to move on, find someone else, and get over her, and I CAN’T.

I always thought the sayings “Soulmate”, “Love at first sight”, “The love of my life”, “True love never dies”, “The best thing that has ever happened to me” and “If you love someone, let them go, and if it is meant to be, it will come back to you” were just silly clichés. That was before I was hit by that Mack Truck. Anyone get the license plate? Yes, the front license plate said, “The One”. The back windshield had a sticker that said, “That got away”.

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Many years ago is when I first met her, the most beautiful woman I have ever met who knocked my socks off. I have always wondered what it is that makes people attracted to other people, but whatever it is for me, she’s got it. I wanted her from the first moment I laid eyes on her. I have never had feelings like that for any woman before or since. After looking for someone else for years, I have learned one thing: she is irreplaceable. If she were to call me up and ask me to forgive her today, I would do so. That’s how unconditional love works, and I have always heard that when you are in love, you just know it. Not like in the past where I had to ask myself, “How do you feel about this woman?” I did not have to ask that this time, because I just knew it.

I love this woman’s name, I love her beauty, I love her voice, I love her laugh, I love her smile, I love her hair, I love the way she dresses, I love her perfume, I love just talking with her, I love just being with her, I love just being near her, I love everything about her, and I want her in my life like you would not believe. Every day I was happy to get up and go to work because I knew it was another day that I would get a chance to talk to her. I could not get enough of her and would always come up with something to talk about, that way she would stay longer. I understand that she is a natural redhead. I LOVE redheads. However, she was a brunette when I worked with her.

It is interesting how I went out with so many women in my twenties and thirties, but I never loved any of them. The one I ended up loving I never even went out with on an official date. I did not think that was possible, but it is. It is interesting how comfortable I was talking with her, and she seemed the same way. I felt like I had known her my entire life even though we had just met. This woman could have been reading a car manual to me at my desk and I would have been interested. She was very classy and never used profanity around me. I loved that about her: she was very professional.

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QUOTES

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“The word ‘duplicate’ is becoming as notorious around here as the ‘n’ word.”

“Trying to find it is like looking for a needle in a haystack.”

“What do you mean you are working on a big project for the Accounting department?!”

“You fixed the duplicate lead issue, that’s terrific, we should celebrate!”

“Oh, I did not realize you needed to leave early to go to church, I am not Catholic. We will talk tomorrow…”

“I remember being upset about that when I was a kid. Snuffy is real.”

“It is a card game my kids used to play. You had to get all the pieces of Exodia. He is the forbidden one…”

“Ha ha, yeah, Exodia, I was talking to my family about that the other day and they thought that was funny.”

“I have been looking for you and saw you back at your desk so I thought I would come over before you were gone again. I feel like I’m stalking you, do you mind if I stalk you? Ha ha ha!”

“Oh thank you so much for the darts, that was very thoughtful of you, we will have a dart game later this week.”

“Thanks for the pizza, I have not had time to eat lunch today, I have been so busy…I can eat during our meeting.”

“That’s a great idea, we’ll have a little get together to celebrate getting this project done. We are totally going to do that.”

“I like your ‘Christmas Vacation’ coffee mug. Did you see the new one that was made for tv? I watched it with my kids.”

“I am going to the hair stylist now, but feel free to text me if you need anything. I will be gone for a while because it takes time to cut this mass of hair.”

“Well, I have to do this hosting thing right now, so I can’t bowl with you at the moment…are you having a good time?”

“I wrapped my kids’ Christmas presents in a hurry, so I won’t know until they open them if I have labeled them correctly.”

“It’s on like Donkey Kong!”

“I have very tough skin.”

“Yeah, my son runs a restaurant.”

“We are all a little mad here.”

“I can’t log in, could you reset my password? I imagine it’s because I’ve been fired and I haven’t been told yet.”

“You have to stop putting these little ideas in my ear. Ha ha ha!”

“Please don’t applaud until after I finish reading the names…”

“I am so glad you’re HERE!”

“I haven’t been avoiding you, it’s just been really crazy around here lately, we’re all a little crazy. Ha ha ha!”

“I am VERY CONFUSED. I don’t want to have ANY relationship with you other than a professional one. Now I don’t want to be harsh, but I feel I need to be EXPLICIT. Do not message my personal phone for any reason other than work.”

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I can’t remember what she said first, but in the next-to-last conversation we had, she looked at me and said with more emotion in her voice than any woman has ever spoken to me, “I am so glad you’re HERE!” She was playing with her necklace, like she often did when she was talking to me, and then she looked at me like she was completely mesmerized, as well as extremely upset. I felt absolutely terrible. I simply cannot describe the way she said that to me, and the look I saw on this woman’s face, especially her eyes. That sentence and that look have haunted me for years. When I think about it now, it breaks my heart, because I realize how much I hurt this woman. I wanted her to like me, so I flirted with her, but I never would have done anything intentionally to hurt her.

She was supposed to take me up on the ideas I had for fun get-togethers that we could have in a group setting, because then I was going to ask her if she wanted to do something with just me sometime. But she did not take the bait, and I ended up not knowing what to do. I wanted to tell her “Happy Valentine’s Day”, “Happy Birthday” and good job on the awards ceremony, but she would not come near my desk any longer. I saw her talking to one of her employees by just peeking over his cubicle to talk to him, that way she would not be able to see me at my desk.

I remember her wearing a fitness watch at the beginning of the year. And through boardreader.com, I found a post on myfitnesspal.com, posted January 29, 2017, at 7pm cst, by username “incognito12345”, which was right around the next-to-last time she came to visit me at my desk. I could not read the entire post, but it went something like this (and I still believe she is the one who posted it, because of the timing, the content, and as it seemed like her way of speaking). This post was not around too long before it was deleted. Why was I doing a search on the web? Because I was desperately trying to find answers as to what was going on and I did not know what else to do.

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THE ANONYMOUS POST

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“A coworker and I have been flirting for the past six months.”

“He ACTS like he likes me but then sometimes he completely ignores me.”

“He is about five years younger than me.”

“I have been single for most of my adult life.”

“We WORK together, and sometimes we have to work long hours at this company.”

“I feel like I am TORTURING myself.”

“There have been a lot of marriages that have occurred at this company, so dating coworkers is not a problem here.”

“I don’t really feel like there is anyone here at work that I can trust to talk to about this.”

“I have never experienced feelings like this before from just EYE CONTACT and TALKING.”

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I felt exactly the same way, and being with her for those short five months was the greatest time of my entire life! I still wonder to this day what would have happened if I had not said, “I took a day off because I was not feeling well”, when she was in the same office with the other person I was talking to on the phone, and he had it on speaker phone. And the fact was, I did take a day off because I was not feeling well. Saying that over speaker phone cost me dearly.

I remember when she hired someone shortly after, and she brought him over to introduce him to me. I said, “Nice to meet you, and let me know if you need anything.” She had a funny look on her face while I was talking and was dressed like a school teacher. She went off to lunch immediately afterwards and came back all dressed like she usually did, with her hair done and basically making my jaw drop to my desk. This woman knows how to dress to make men take notice. She turned me on as usual, and at the same time, I could not do anything about it. It was cruel.

Another time she was at the end of the aisle, next to the coffee maker, with her back to me, playing with her hair, and I think she may have had a mirror in her hand, or her phone, like she was trying to see if I noticed her. Of course I did. And this was after she told me to take a hike. And who else was in the aisle with me at that moment that she could have been looking at? No one. The reality of the situation to me was this, although I have never been able to definitively prove it:

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TIMELINE: AUGUST 2016 – MAY 2017

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I meet this woman at work. I was 37 years old at the time and she was 42 years old. How I would like to go back to that time…I am immediately drawn to this woman with extreme feelings that I can’t control (and I don’t want to). No woman has ever made me feel like this. I take a look at her left hand when she is at my desk, and I don’t see a ring. Internally I say to myself, “I…want…this…woman…” I start flirting with her and she is taken aback just at the beginning, as I can tell at first by the uncomfortable look on her face, but she soon starts to flirt back with a vengeance. If she would have told me to stop flirting or used body language to tell me to stop, I would have. But she did not, and started flirting back, so why would I stop?

I go on a diet, start dressing better, shaving more often and growing my hair out. And she makes sure she looks like a knockout every time there is a day we meet together. Things are going my way at this point…The flirting continues and she is acting like a giggly little schoolgirl around me, and I am loving every minute of it. I am working at the best company I have ever worked for, and by taking this job, I received the best raise I have ever received upon taking a new job. I did not realize a person could love going to work this much. I loved the work and I was doing great work for the company. And I met some great people I liked a lot, plus, I had a very special person that I worked with on a regular basis. What else could anyone want?

Every time this woman walked into the room I lit up like a Christmas tree. Everyone starts getting emails from her about the annual company Christmas party coming up. I go to the party at Pinstripes and get to talk to her, but not as much as I would like, since she has to host it. I still have a good time, even though all of the food is gone by the time I get there. I still have the “One Million” cologne that I bought for just this occasion.

She had a dart board in her office, but no darts. So I go out to Dick’s Sporting Goods one weekend and buy her some darts. She tells me thanks and then we play darts for a few minutes. I begin to throw out a few ideas of ways we can get together as a group, that way if she does it, then I will ask her if she wants to do something with just me sometime. The first idea was a dart contest, and she seems interested in it, but she does not follow through. Next, I said how about a little get-together to celebrate getting the last project done. She seems really excited about it, so I thought “Yes, I have her now, finally!” Then she does not follow through again and I just don’t know what to do at this point. I am very confused.

During the meeting where I throw out this suggestion, she is running her hands through her hair non-stop and having a hard time sitting still. It is driving me wild. I always appear calm, confident and in-control when talking with her, but surprise, the feelings are on both sides of the table. Oh, the meetings you’ll go to…

She makes a post anonymously on the internet to get advice (I am guessing still that this was her) from other women. She starts to think that I have just been playing with her and begins to avoid me. I realize she is afraid of me, and it hurts. She and I are no longer speaking. By the end of February, I miss her so much that it is killing me. I go to the company awards ceremony at Kanza Hall and it is one of the few times I get to see her that month. I see her a ways off shooting the breeze before the awards are handed out. She looks stunning as usual.

She comes to my desk one last time to talk about a project (because she is asked to stop by). She seems really upset like she is going to start crying. I feel absolutely terrible and after she leaves this time, she does not return. I make an attempt to talk to her in person one last time (I email her). She ignores my email all day, so I call her and she answers the phone. She tries hard to keep me away, but reluctantly agrees for me to stop by. She seems really nervous and I can tell she does not want me in her office. I tell her that she used to come by almost every day and that I have not seen her in weeks. I asked if she was avoiding me and she tells me no, it is just that she has been really busy. That was the last personal conversation I ever had with her.

In desperation I send her flowers and tell her that I don’t have to work here in order for us to have a relationship, if that is what is bothering her. I love the job but the job is still nothing if it means losing her. Plus I make the mistake that most men make, as I get mushy in my message, which has a tendency to turn women off. Big mistakes are made here! The minute I receive a message that my flowers are delivered, I see her rush out of her office, looking at her phone. I imagine she went straight home to see what came to her door. She panics because she does not want me to quit and she sees that I do have a sensitive side after all, and I am not a complete macho tough guy (go figure, I am human after all), which makes her decide to blackball me. She tells me the next day that she is not interested via a text. And even though I don’t believe her, and over the years, I have rejected a lot of women and I have been rejected by a lot of women…

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MY HEART BREAKS INTO A MILLION PIECES.

PART OF ME DIED THAT DAY.

I HAVE NEVER RECOVERED FROM THIS.

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People say that “Time heals all wounds.” Well, sometimes…

We continue to work together like adults even though we no longer talk to each other in person. She hears me say over speaker phone about two weeks later that I took a day off because I was not feeling well. She becomes angry and decides to punish me because she thinks I had a job interview and am going to leave. Within one hour of that phone call, I am no longer allowed to talk to her. For most of March and April 2017 she does not come anywhere near me. I believe she was using the first floor restroom or possibly working from home. She was nowhere to be seen. She may have had a rope she was using each day to climb from the parking lot into her office on the second floor.

In the midst of this mess, my father passes away. 2017 is going to be a really tough year. At the end of the same year my grandmother passes away. She gradually stops avoiding me completely, and even starts trying to get me to notice her again, even though my hands are tied. I see a look of displeasure on her face when she walks by and sees that I have started getting really short haircuts. I receive the “Employee of the Month Award”. She shows up to the company meeting at the front of the room, but backs away from me when I come up to get the award.

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At this point the story goes into limbo, where it has been ever since. The mixed signals after that did not make any sense, and she never came to talk to me any further. I am still confused to this day. There was never any resolution to this mess. No closure, no explanation, no apology, no discussion, nothing. She could have talked to me, and said anything, but she refused. It was amazing how quickly my favorite person in the company chose to turn on me. I tried to stay angry with her, I tried to hate her, I tried to wish bad things on her, and I just couldn’t.

Nowadays, a man has to be so careful as to how he proceeds with this sort of thing, as it can come back to bite him. I knew that was a possibility from the start, but it was worth the risk. And in spite of how slowly and carefully I moved on this, I still failed, and I failed COMPLETELY. Everything I had worked towards was destroyed. I have often wondered if, because of the cruel way she treated me, she thinks that I hate her and would never forgive her. There are many people like that in this world, so I can understand that. But I do forgive her for how she treated me, and I still care about her, and I still love her, and I love her unconditionally.

I would do anything for this person. When you have the feelings that I have for this woman, you can forgive that person no matter what. I have been trying to find someone else for years, but the problem is, after all this time, no matter who I find, she is not her, and whoever I end up with, it just won’t be the same. I will be forever disappointed. After years of reflection, I think of the movie “Groundhog Day”. I wish I could go back to any day in February 2017, and relive that day, over and over, as many times as needed, until I did everything right. As long as I don’t have to listen to that Sonny & Cher song…

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By now I have realized there are some things in life that just aren’t worth anything in the end, as much as they are important temporarily, and those things are: money, careers and material wealth. What matters in this world are God, family and love. If any of those things are missing, a person will have a big void within them, and he or she will try and fill that void with other things (sports, food, material possessions, money, jobs, entertainment, etc, you name it), and those things will never be able to fill that void. Her career seems to be her top priority and nothing can get in its way. But as I have found out (and she has also), that can be taken away from you in an instant.

Whether I ever hear from her or see her again, she is still the hottest, sexiest, most beautiful, intelligent, kindest, sweetest, friendliest, wonderful woman I have ever met, and she will always be my favorite person, and nothing will ever change that. And if I could go back, I would do everything over again. Those memories are precious to me and no one will ever be able to take them from me.

After years of trying to put her out of my mind, I thought I had finally succeeded, and had made up my mind to settle on just about any woman. As I expressed my frustration to someone, I felt an inner voice within me that said “Do not settle, this woman from the past is STILL the one for you”. Then all of the memories and feelings from the past came back to me in one instant, and I typed all of this information down on that day. I have updated this story several times since then, when I happened to remember details I wanted to share, but essentially it is the same story.

This woman is always welcome to call me so we can be together and make love like there is no tomorrow. If I would have ended up with her like I had wanted, I would have asked her to marry me eight years ago.

The way I feel now is the same way I felt years ago, and I have thought about her again every day since October 8, 2024. Just like how I could not make myself love someone in my twenties (I tried that), I cannot make myself unlove someone (and now I have learned that lesson). If I could go back to May 2017, I would do something, no matter what the cost. Whatever sacrifice I had to make, whatever I had to suffer, I would do it, and do it immediately, while there was still an opportunity to change things, but now I fear it is too late…

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AND I WILL REGRET IT FOREVER.

TO THIS DAY, SHE HAS NEVER EXPLAINED HER

BEHAVIOR TO ME REGARDING OUR INTERACTIONS

FROM AUGUST 2016 THROUGH MAY 2017.

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